Loneliness. Guilt. Rejection. Pain. These are the words that repeat themselves over and over, never silent, always in my thoughts. Lonely, although I am not really alone. Guilty, although I’ve done nothing wrong. Rejected, although I’m still afraid to even put myself out there. Pain, because I have nothing left to fight for, and no one fighting for me.
I’ve spent my whole life living for other people, not because they asked me to, but because I felt that I should. I’ve never just done what I truly wanted, never put myself before all others, never strayed too far from the life that I knew, from the people that I loved. And now, here I am, ashamed of the person I have become, resenting everyone for not loving me the way that I love them, but still trying to reach out in the only ways I know how. It’s small things… a shared video clip, a question that I already know the answer to, a request to watch TV or to play a game. Sometimes I make up a reason to conversate… Did they know this? How do you do that. Mostly met with barely contained annoyance. I feel silly for trying so I crawl back into my cave with my tail between my legs, feeling (yet again) unloved and unwanted. A nuisance. And so I cry. And cry some more, until I can’t breathe and my chest hurts and I just want it all to end. But it never does. Because I am too afraid. Will it hurt? Will it even work? Would anyone notice or would it take the internet going out for someone to come in and reset the router.
It wouldn’t take a miracle to save me. I often think it might not take much at all. A smile. A hug. A phone call. It truly is the little things that could make all the difference in someone’s life.
So this is a combination of prompts from The Confusing Middle (I’m a day late in posting my submission) and MindLoveMisery’s Menagerie, but is also very much a tiny piece of my truth. I haven’t had the will to write in a very long time, but lately have been feeling a small spark ignite somewhere in the depths of me. This is both a way to express my pain and take that first step into writing again.
Said Bree 
WOW. This touched me, very deeply. I felt your pain and your plea. Exceptional job, Bree
Its so easy to fall into that trap – living for others only to find that you’ve lost yourself along the way. By the time you realise, it’s hard to find yourself again. Hard – but not impossible. Keep writing. It’s really helped me.