More than a little broken…

I did something I definitely shouldn’t have. I’ve spent so long pushing certain memories out of my head, trying to keep them from surfacing. So why I felt the need to do what I did boggles me. I won’t go into detail because I don’t think anyone could possibly understand, so we’ll just say I found out something about someone from my past. Someone who I’ve literally tried to erase from my memories. I really thought I couldn’t feel any worse than I have lately. I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. And I’m so angry. Angry at them, angry at myself, angry at the world. So angry that it’s become corporeal. I can feel it inside me. A physical manifestation of the pain and the hurt churning around in my stomach and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t even know where to start.

For one thing, I’ve jumped a decade but I’m in the same head space I was in 10 years prior. Literally. After basically finding out that my friends had all pretty much betrayed my trust, I dropped off the face of the planet. Screw you guys… I’m going home. My life became a circle of waking, eating, working, sleeping. And the jobs I’ve held are all single office gigs, so not much personal contact on a daily basis. I didn’t even have a cell phone most of the time. I didn’t need one. No one to talk to. Realistically, the only thing that kept me going was my daughter. I HAD to get up and get out of bed and make it through the day because of her, even if I didn’t want to. So, fast forward 10 years later and it’s like I’ve been in a sleep chamber this whole time. I’ve aged physically, but not mentally. I think that’s what bothers me the most. That I’ve spent this whole time sleepwalking through life. Instead of fighting back and moving forward, I gave up. I lost all trust, I lost all faith, I lost all hope. And without any support, thats almost impossible to come back from. So here I am, a broken shell of my former self, who in all honesty used to be the life of the party. I’d give anything to go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now.

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