It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I don’t even know where to start. First, I changed my WordPress avatar. It was way overdue… the one I had up was me, like 7 years ago and 75 pound lighter. I am so far from that person it’s not even funny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, even at that point I was still miles past the fun, outgoing, ‘world at my feet’ woman. But, I look back at the last 10 years and see how I have literally wasted away due to an event that I could never move on from. And now, I am buried under so much weight and guilt and sorrow that I can’t see myself ever becoming a tenth of the person I want to be.
It’s gotten to the point where I have convinced myself that I am so fat that I am not even a human being anymore. That unless I lose weight, I don’t deserve to be wanted or loved, or sometimes even liked.
I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Every day. It’s a struggle to get out of bed. To WANT to get out bed. I hurt all over. Too much weight on my chest (my boobs have always been larger – when I was thin, it was great. I looked like I had a boob job!) But now, according to the last mammogram I had, they each weigh 13.6 lb. I’m carrying around almost 30 pounds on my chest alone. And my stomach has been increasing in size for the past couple of years. At first I thought I was just gaining belly fat, but my skin is tight and it is super tender. If I barely lean against a counter or table top or something, it hurts. And when I lean back, there is a hard football shape smack in the middle of my tummy. I have showed this to several people (doctors, too) and they all brush it off like its no big deal. I keep picturing a bowling ball size tumor growing larger by the minute. I look like I am two months PAST being due to have a baby. And my back hurts all the time because I’m carrying so much weight. I can’t stand for more than thirty seconds without extreme burning sensations and shooting pains coursing through my body. I go to the doctor for my back and he tells me to lose weight and shoves a paper on how many calories a day to intake and what foods I should be eating. He doesn’t bother to find out WHY I’m heavy. He just assumes its because I eat a lot. Because ALL fat people got that way from overeating, right? The sad thing is, even if overeating were a problem, companies are so greedy that all the foods that we SHOULD be eating cost a fucking arm and a leg. I can’t afford to eat healthier. Not to mention that’s not my entire problem in the first place. I wish it were, because that would be a hell of an easier fix. Diet and exercise. Except for the exercise part – because I can’t stand more than 30 seconds without pain and discomfort.
Add to that the fact that I can’t sleep because I have sleep apnea (because of my weight). But I can’t do anything about it because before you can get a prescription, you have to perform in a sleep study, which costs like $1,500.00.
My doctor also keeps trying to shove anti-depressants down my throat. I can either not afford the ones he prescribes or they don’t work and after 6 weeks, I have to wean myself off. I have literally tried 20 different anti-depressants over the last 6 years. Not to mention, they all cause you to gain even more weight.
It’s like this vicious cycle. To lose the fat, I need to do physical things, but I can’t do the physical things because I’m so fat. Hell, I can’t even ride a bicycle anymore. I am so heavy I tip right the fuck over.
The list of other things I can’t do anymore would be funny if it weren’t so depressing: I can’t lean over without cutting off my airway. I can’t shave my legs because my boobs and belly get in the way. I can’t lay on my stomach for anything: to sleep, to lay out at the beach, to get a massage. I can’t ride roller coasters and other rides because the lap bar won’t pull down all the way (which really pisses me off – people of all sizes should be able to ride roller coasters!!).
Anyway, there was a point in the beginning of this rant. But then I got sidetracked by my weight issue. I just wish there was a way to find out WHY I continue to gain weight, and if there was something I could do about it on a more serious level. I’d sell my soul to afford surgery if it meant that I could lose the belly or the boobs as a starting point. Or even a portion of either. I want to be healthier before its too late.