I feel nothing inside.
Every morning I wake up because I have to. Not because I want to. It takes a good hour for my morning prescription to kick in so until then I feel nauseous and my back is on fire. Once I feel better I have about two hours worth of not feeling like I want to jump off a cliff, so I try to take up that time with doing something I enjoy so as not to completely waste it. But then, my back starts hurting again and I have no energy and if anything even remotely ticks me off I am miserable for the rest of the day. I can’t take anything else until later that evening so all I do with my time is sit around and feel sorry for myself. And things get progressively worse from there. I can’t find another job, which to be honest may be a blessing in disguise because I don’t think that I would last very long. It takes everything I have right now just to get out of bed in the morning and that is due mostly to the fact that I have a 12 year old daughter that I have to get up for.
All I know is that I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing makes me happy. I can’t find joy in anything I do. I just feel numb. Except for the anger. There is plenty of that. Anger & hate. The hatred is the worst. It makes me want to do things that I would never think myself capable of. And that scares me.
I don’t know if its because of the depression or if its caused by the depression, but I’ve come to realize that I would do almost anything to not ever have to leave the house. I don’t make appointments of any kind unless it is absolutely necessary, and even then a lot of the time I will try to find any reason I can to break it or reschedule. When my mother asks me to do something on the weekend, I say yes but then end up cancelling. I cringe at the thought of family/friendly gatherings. One weekend I went on the boat with my family and ended up having a panic attack because there were too many boaters in one area. I hate grocery shopping. I don’t even like running up to the corner store to get a drink.