Numb

I feel nothing inside.

Every morning I wake up because I have to. Not because I want to. It takes a good hour for my morning prescription to kick in so until then I feel nauseous and my back is on fire. Once I feel better I have about two hours worth of not feeling like I want to jump off a cliff, so I try to take up that time with doing something I enjoy so as not to completely waste it. But then, my back starts hurting again and I have no energy and if anything even remotely ticks me off I am miserable for the rest of the day. I can’t take anything else until later that evening so all I do with my time is sit around and feel sorry for myself. And things get progressively worse from there. I can’t find another job, which to be honest may be a blessing in disguise because I don’t think that I would last very long. It takes everything I have right now just to get out of bed in the morning and that is due mostly to the fact that I have a 12 year old daughter that I have to get up for.

All I know is that I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing makes me happy. I can’t find joy in anything I do. I just feel numb. Except for the anger. There is plenty of that. Anger & hate. The hatred is the worst. It makes me want to do things that I would never think myself capable of. And that scares me.

I don’t know if its because of the depression or if its caused by the depression, but I’ve come to realize that I would do almost anything to not ever have to leave the house. I don’t make appointments of any kind unless it is absolutely necessary, and even then a lot of the time I will try to find any reason I can to break it or reschedule. When my mother asks me to do something on the weekend, I say yes but then end up cancelling. I cringe at the thought of family/friendly gatherings. One weekend I went on the boat with my family and ended up having a panic attack because there were too many boaters in one area. I hate grocery shopping. I don’t even like running up to the corner store to get a drink.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Numb

  1. I’m sorry to hear that things are going hard for you. I was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar Mood Disorder and I’ve started taking medication for it. I don’t have the highs and lows, I just had the lows & normal moods. It took a while to figure it out and get on a good medication. These days I’m doing a lot better.

    Have you talked to a doctor about your moods? I know it isn’t easy, trust me I know, my doc is a very gruff older man, so talking to him about depression and such was kind of imposing, but it will pay off.

    What happened to your back?

    1. I have chronic pain from my sciatica and because I’ve gained so much weight it constantly pushes on my nerves. I have a pain management doctor, but he’s, errr, not so much with the inner workings of the human soul. And the general physician I just started seeing doesn’t seem to know much about it either. I told her what medications I have tried (which is a pretty long list) and all she did was google anti-depressants and tell me she could prescribe anything from that list that I wanted… needless to say I didn’t leave feeling much better. I really really need to talk to a specialist but I only have medicaid which no one takes. I’m kind of at a dead end right now. 😦

      1. Ask your doctor for a referal for a specialist. It might take a while, but then your insurance will cover it and you can get some better assistance.

        Depression sucks. It hurts, it drags you down, and then you don’t even have the energy to ask for help. Each day you wake up and push on is a victory, it might not feel like it at the time, but it is. Every step, no matter how hard, is a step forward. You might fall, you might stumble, but you can do this.

        You can do it.

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