It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears me.

I wake up every day, even though I don’t want to. I’m in pain and everything hurts. Not just my body but my mind, my heart. When I laugh it feels empty. When I smile it feels fake. There is no joy, no happiness. The only time I feel anything is when I am angry, which is quick and comes easily. I try to pretend like everything is okay. It’s a relatively easy act since there are only two people in my life right now; my mother and my daughter. Everyone else is so distant that they don’t know whether I’m alive or if I’m dead. No one cares. I don’t say this because I feel sorry for myself, although most days that is exactly what I do. It is simply the truth. I have walled myself in to a life devoid of human contact.

I know exactly when my turning point was. I’d invested my whole life into a person who betrayed me and took everything in the process. My love, my trust, my dignity and most importantly, my son. Though, definitely not without a helping hand. Two heads are infinitely better than one… and in no way could I compete with someone whose very being centered on getting what she wanted, no matter who got hurt in the process. I never thought I could have so much hate for one person, but its still there and it only gets worse with every breath.

If only I could have turned the hate into something productive instead of destructive. They say no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Well, let me tell you, they had my consent. And now I’ve let myself fall too far. There is no going back. There is only contempt and self-loathing, anger and  frustration. It’s as if I’ve ingrained in myself to only feel the negative.

I have this unhealthy obsession with wishing that I could be IN a movie or tv show that I’m watching or a book that I’m reading. However, I have become so ashamed of the way I look that I can’t even put myself in their shoes hypothetically. It’s gotten so bad that I feel like I don’t deserve to ever be liked or loved because I’m super fat. And to be honest, society itself has been a HUGE factor in that. I mean think about it. How often do you see a romantic love story between a fat middle aged woman and a gorgeous, nice, funny, kind man? Try never. Or vice versa with a fat man and beautiful woman. We’ve unintentionally taught ourselves that only “pretty” people are worthy of love or good fortune and sadly, that is exactly how I feel.

I went into Lexi’s school about a month ago to turn in her books and unregister her from public schooling. There were a couple of tweens sitting in the guidance office and I could hear them talking about me under their breath, asking the others if I was pregnant or just fat. It was the most awful feeling… I literally felt like I, myself, was in middle school again. And it was embarrassing. I always wanted to be the “cool soccer mom” who was so into everything her child did and all the other kids loved. And I actually did quite a bit when Lexi was in Kindergarten and first grade. I was a member of the PTO and helped out with a few events, etc. But then the weight really started piling on and suddenly I was too embarrassed to go to the supermarket, much less a school function.  Now, I’m so afraid someone will see me the way I am now that I won’t step foot outside my home unless I have to.

The last 5 years of my life have spiraled downward. There is nothing left of what once was a smart, outgoing, adventurous girl with her whole life ahead of her. I’m so fixated on all the things I would change if I could that I can’t concentrate on what needs to change now for the future. I just can’t let go. Even though I can see what it’s doing to me, I still can’t let go. There is no closure. No justification. I don’t understand why the one person who did almost nothing wrong is the one person who was damaged the most. While the other two, who were scheming and conniving and a ton of other nasty adjectives, got everything they both wanted and then some.

I haven’t seen my son in over a year. It’s much more complicated than I’m able to describe right now, but for all intents and purposes, I was left with no other choice. There is only one other person who knows the exact circumstances as to why things are the way they are, and I can guarantee you they won’t be standing up for me anytime soon. I’m sure they’re perfectly content to let things lay the way they stand.

How do I move on from that?

 

 

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