Rock Bottom…

I think I have literally hit rock bottom. Mentally, that is. I wake up every morning wondering why. Why am I even getting out of bed. What is it that I can possibly offer the world today that would make any difference at all. And my answer is always “Nothing.” I’d love to say that my daughter needs me. But let’s face it, no one’s lining up to make me Mother-of-the-Year. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my children. It’s not a question of that. I would move Heaven and Earth for them if I had to. They are probably the one and only reason I AM still here today. But I haven’t seen my 7 year old son in over a year. That’s another story in an of itself. I think about him every single day and I have so much hate and anger built up inside for the people who made the situation the way it is. I never stood a chance, to be honest. They made it impossible for me to play any real role in his life, to the point that they ingrained in him that I was “Bree” and his stepmother was the mommy. How do you correct that to a toddler? And how do you keep your heart from breaking into a million pieces every time you hear it? I keep telling myself that he’s better off where he is… no single-parent home, a huge extended family, and although its a small house, it and his dad’s truck were paid off, so there’s always a steady roof over his head. I couldn’t give him any of that at. I can’t even give myself that. So, although it hurts like hell and was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I think I did the right thing for his sake. The one person who really suffers in all this, though, is Lexus. She misses her brother. Maybe that’s why I overcompensate by giving her virtually everything she wants. I mean, literally, she has it all. We’ve always been really really close. Maybe too close. And now it’s turning around to bite me in the ass. She’s going to be 12 soon. That’s about 10 years too many for me. I wish she was still 2 years old and needed me for absolutely everything. I would do so many things differently. Not only with her, but in life, period. Of course, everyone says that. “If only…..”

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