As I sit here shaking out crumbs that have fallen down the inside of my shirt, I realized that I literally have spent the entire day in my pajamas. I guess I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I’d love to solely blame it on the fact that I lost my job and had to move back in with the mother figure, but that would mostly be a lie. Mentally, I have been living like this for about 4 years. The only difference is that now, I have the ability to physically not have to get dressed in the mornings. I have spent so much time blaming two specific people for something that happened that long ago that I have let myself and everything I was disappear like the passing wind. Gone is the girl who used to live each day to the fullest, who laughed at everything and would talk to anybody. I’ve always cared about what people thought about me, but only to a certain point. I used to have enough confidence in myself to feel good about who I was. Now I’m just a rundown, insecure hermit who doesn’t find joy in anything I do. It’s like there is this switch that’s been flipped off and I can’t find it to turn it back on. I was watching Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail and one of the lines really stuck with me in an overwhelming way:
“Forgiveness is for yourself, not for the person you are forgiving.”
In my situation, I was very deeply wronged by the only person I have ever truly loved. He made such a fool out of me to all of our friends and family that to this day I have spent all of my time hiding from the world. And blaming him and her (yes, there’s another woman. Isn’t there always?) for how my life has turned out. Don’t get me wrong, I have valid reasons for some of the things that I blame him for, and some of the major life decisions I made were based on promises (or lies in this case) that he made to me before everything was out in the open. But I realize now that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. They don’t care if I’m hurting. Actually, it would probably make (her) happier knowing I was so miserable. But what’s done is done. And although I’m hurt and embarrassed and feel like my life is beyond repair, to move on, I need to forgive them. If I don’t, I’ll always be holding on to that hatred and that blame and that hurt. And all it is doing is preventing me from having the life that I deserve.
Now, the hard part. How do I climb back out of the deep deep hole I’ve dug? There is one thing in particular that will be a major obstacle because absolutely no one knows about it, and even if they did, would have no understanding of how to help me through it. The one person I need on my side for this particular hump is the one person who has made it very clear that they could never be involved.
My point is this: Writing is cathartic. Talking to people is therapeutic. Blogging is a combination of both. That’s why I started a blog in the first place. To interact. And I know it’s relatively early in the life of my blog, but I want to become much more interactive with my followers and anyone who just happens by. Maybe someone, somewhere can help me find meaning in my life. If not, maybe I’ll find the inspiration to write a best-seller along the way!
Sidenote: So the upside to my terribly shitty ass day is the fact that for the entire month of “Sub”tember, almost all of Subway’s 12” long subs are $5. Woot! I’m always crammin’ my face full of their roasted chicken on flatbread.