Numb

I feel nothing inside.

Every morning I wake up because I have to. Not because I want to. It takes a good hour for my morning prescription to kick in so until then I feel nauseous and my back is on fire. Once I feel better I have about two hours worth of not feeling like I want to jump off a cliff, so I try to take up that time with doing something I enjoy so as not to completely waste it. But then, my back starts hurting again and I have no energy and if anything even remotely ticks me off I am miserable for the rest of the day. I can’t take anything else until later that evening so all I do with my time is sit around and feel sorry for myself. And things get progressively worse from there. I can’t find another job, which to be honest may be a blessing in disguise because I don’t think that I would last very long. It takes everything I have right now just to get out of bed in the morning and that is due mostly to the fact that I have a 12 year old daughter that I have to get up for.

All I know is that I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing makes me happy. I can’t find joy in anything I do. I just feel numb. Except for the anger. There is plenty of that. Anger & hate. The hatred is the worst. It makes me want to do things that I would never think myself capable of. And that scares me.

I don’t know if its because of the depression or if its caused by the depression, but I’ve come to realize that I would do almost anything to not ever have to leave the house. I don’t make appointments of any kind unless it is absolutely necessary, and even then a lot of the time I will try to find any reason I can to break it or reschedule. When my mother asks me to do something on the weekend, I say yes but then end up cancelling. I cringe at the thought of family/friendly gatherings. One weekend I went on the boat with my family and ended up having a panic attack because there were too many boaters in one area. I hate grocery shopping. I don’t even like running up to the corner store to get a drink.

 

 


Empty

Love will never come again.

This wasted body

once full of confidence, full of grace

now, full of fluff.

Regret, builds up inside

growing stronger as I grow weaker.

No beginning, no end,

just suffering and sadness.

It holds me back.

From life, from happiness.

From being.

 

This is based on the prompt from The Seeker’s Dungeon. I think too many people try to project to the world how they WANT people to see them and not how they actually see themselves. This is a bit of how I see myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Not a fan of my new doctor

I have an appointment on Wednesday. I haven’t been to the doctor in years. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t have the insurance. I thought finally getting approved for Medicaid would be the answer to my prayers. However, it is more a hassle than anything. No one wants to accept Medicaid, but since I am now eligible for it, I can’t apply for the new health care plans without having to pay full price. It’s a ridiculous and vicious cycle. But I digress.

Last week I had blood drawn. 5 vials of blood as a matter of fact. I’ve never been a fan of needles and having that much blood taken all at once made for an interesting morning. However, it had to be done… and it’s been so long since I’ve been tested for anything that they had to test for everything. So I go on Wednesday to get the results.

The funny thing is, I’m scared at what the results are going to be. Not because I think there is something wrong with me, but my bigger fear is that there is nothing wrong with me. That there is no major medical explanation for the way I feel. That all the pain, and fatigue and insomnia and everything else is simply caused by the choices I’ve made along the way.

I’m not happy with my doctor. She doesn’t look at you when she talks to you… she stares at the wall and moves her hands while she explains things, but she will not even look in your direction unless you are facing away. All she did was enter all of my history into the computer. Our first meeting took an hour and a half. Which I get, for the most part. It was the first time she’d seen me and how can you make a diagnosis without the facts, right? But what gets me is that when she told me some of the things that could be wrong, she was reading it directly off of the computer. It actually took the info and applied it into little bar graphs for her to see. It was a friggin app. She checked off the boxes as we talked and the damn thing told her what to say to me. I wanted to scream. Like, can anyone that can use a computer be a doctor now? She called in a prescription for anti-depressants while I was in the bathroom trying to pee in a cup. She never even asked me if I wanted them, I had just told her earlier that one of my symptoms was severe severe depression. She didn’t ask if I’d been on any before, either. Just called in a script. So I had to tell her that I’d already tried almost every one known to man, including what she so diligently prescribed.  So she sits in front of her computer yet again and pulls up a list of commonly known anti-depressants, asking me what one do I want her to prescribe for me? She didn’t even know anything about most of them, but was willing to write me a prescription for whichever one I fancied at the moment. I told her I didn’t want ANY. That if none of the others were working then a different one probably wasn’t going to make any difference, either. But, gee, that made me feel even more confident of her doctoring skills. Sad thing is, I don’t really have much of a choice. And it makes me angry. ‘Course, everything makes me angry nowadays. I could write a book.

Anyway, I guess that’s enough for now. Plenty more running through my head, but talking about it usually only upsets me even more. So I wait until Wednesday.


I wish I could get paid to design

I have fallen in love with designing cover art for books.

Being an avid fan of indie authors, I spend a lot of time browsing Amazon for new and exciting books for my Kindle Fire. But it amazes me how often I find myself cringing at the mass of badly done book covers. I realize that not everyone is a master of design, honestly I do. But think about it. The cover is one of the most important things about your book. If it doesn’t grab your reader’s attention, they’re most likely not even going to pick it up to read the synopsis. And I’ll be honest, I am one of those people who DOES judge a book by its cover. It could be the best thing to hit the earth since sliced bread, but if it looks like it was created in Paint or some other accessory paint program that comes stock with your computer, I’m more than likely going to pass it right on by.

Graphic design is one of my passions. I love print shop designing. And I’m relatively good at it, too. I’ve designed a book cover or two recently and would love to turn it into something profitable. I need to find SOMETHING to do from home before everything falls apart. But they have so many sites out there now that do just that, there’s no way to market myself on such a small scale.

Realistically, I’d love to be able to open my own print shop from home. Of course, I’d only to be able to do the design portion from home and out-source the printing. Which wouldn’t really be beneficial in way of making money. I could design business cards or fliers or postcards til I’m blue in the face, but with so many do-it-yourself sites out there, there is no need to pay someone to design it for you. It’s all a part of the process now. Which is a shame in a way. By making everything so easily accessible to everyone via the internet we’ve literally eliminated the job market for half the country. (Not just in graphic design, but on a broader spectrum)

It’s just another of the things I’ve found that I’m good at but that will get me nowhere. I’m really starting to think that the only enjoyment I’ll get out of life is by laying in bed and watching NetFlix all day.

 


Et tu, Kenzi? …

Today I cried.

I was watching episode 13 of season 5 of Lost Girl. *SPOILER ALERT*  There was this profound music playing as Kenzi (ie: Bo’s “heart” and my favorite character of all time, EVER) sacrifices herself to save the world by stepping into a giant ball of light. When it is all said and done, a sobbing Tamsin opens her Valkyrie wings and protectively wraps them around Kenzi’s body and swoops her away to Valhalla, where hopefully she’s able to see Hale again (don’t let me get started on how bad his death pissed me off).

It was just all done so beautifully and was so dramatic that I found myself balling like a baby. Not like that’s hard these days. But it really made me think. I have never had someone in my life who cared about me that much. I mean, besides my family but that’s different because you are basically born loving your family. For the most part its not a choice, its a given. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had friends. I’ve had best friends, but it makes me sad. To realize that I don’t have anyone in my life who cares about me because they want to and not because they have to. Except Snooki. She loves me. Shouldn’t that be enough?


It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears me.

I wake up every day, even though I don’t want to. I’m in pain and everything hurts. Not just my body but my mind, my heart. When I laugh it feels empty. When I smile it feels fake. There is no joy, no happiness. The only time I feel anything is when I am angry, which is quick and comes easily. I try to pretend like everything is okay. It’s a relatively easy act since there are only two people in my life right now; my mother and my daughter. Everyone else is so distant that they don’t know whether I’m alive or if I’m dead. No one cares. I don’t say this because I feel sorry for myself, although most days that is exactly what I do. It is simply the truth. I have walled myself in to a life devoid of human contact.

I know exactly when my turning point was. I’d invested my whole life into a person who betrayed me and took everything in the process. My love, my trust, my dignity and most importantly, my son. Though, definitely not without a helping hand. Two heads are infinitely better than one… and in no way could I compete with someone whose very being centered on getting what she wanted, no matter who got hurt in the process. I never thought I could have so much hate for one person, but its still there and it only gets worse with every breath.

If only I could have turned the hate into something productive instead of destructive. They say no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Well, let me tell you, they had my consent. And now I’ve let myself fall too far. There is no going back. There is only contempt and self-loathing, anger and  frustration. It’s as if I’ve ingrained in myself to only feel the negative.

I have this unhealthy obsession with wishing that I could be IN a movie or tv show that I’m watching or a book that I’m reading. However, I have become so ashamed of the way I look that I can’t even put myself in their shoes hypothetically. It’s gotten so bad that I feel like I don’t deserve to ever be liked or loved because I’m super fat. And to be honest, society itself has been a HUGE factor in that. I mean think about it. How often do you see a romantic love story between a fat middle aged woman and a gorgeous, nice, funny, kind man? Try never. Or vice versa with a fat man and beautiful woman. We’ve unintentionally taught ourselves that only “pretty” people are worthy of love or good fortune and sadly, that is exactly how I feel.

I went into Lexi’s school about a month ago to turn in her books and unregister her from public schooling. There were a couple of tweens sitting in the guidance office and I could hear them talking about me under their breath, asking the others if I was pregnant or just fat. It was the most awful feeling… I literally felt like I, myself, was in middle school again. And it was embarrassing. I always wanted to be the “cool soccer mom” who was so into everything her child did and all the other kids loved. And I actually did quite a bit when Lexi was in Kindergarten and first grade. I was a member of the PTO and helped out with a few events, etc. But then the weight really started piling on and suddenly I was too embarrassed to go to the supermarket, much less a school function.  Now, I’m so afraid someone will see me the way I am now that I won’t step foot outside my home unless I have to.

The last 5 years of my life have spiraled downward. There is nothing left of what once was a smart, outgoing, adventurous girl with her whole life ahead of her. I’m so fixated on all the things I would change if I could that I can’t concentrate on what needs to change now for the future. I just can’t let go. Even though I can see what it’s doing to me, I still can’t let go. There is no closure. No justification. I don’t understand why the one person who did almost nothing wrong is the one person who was damaged the most. While the other two, who were scheming and conniving and a ton of other nasty adjectives, got everything they both wanted and then some.

I haven’t seen my son in over a year. It’s much more complicated than I’m able to describe right now, but for all intents and purposes, I was left with no other choice. There is only one other person who knows the exact circumstances as to why things are the way they are, and I can guarantee you they won’t be standing up for me anytime soon. I’m sure they’re perfectly content to let things lay the way they stand.

How do I move on from that?

 

 


What’s your favorite TV show…?

I want to know from everyone, if you could only watch one television show for the rest of your life, what would it be? Doesn’t matter if it’s cancelled, brand spankin’ new or older than dirt. 

 

So I’m newly addicted to the BBC show Orphan Black. In episode 8, Allison and Aynsley get into this soccer-mom slap ‘n’ pull in the middle of their suburban street that was spectacularly hilarious.  For those of you who haven’t seen the show, all I can say is that Tatiana Maslany, the main character(s), does a fantastic job at separating each version of, well, herself. If you were to line them all up in the same outfit, I would still be able to tell them apart by mannerism alone. Unfortunately, I’m almost at the end of the first season since there are only 10 episodes, and I hope they continued the show and didn’t cancel it like it seems many of the stations have been doing a lot of lately. I swear, I can almost guarantee the outcome of a new series by whether or not I like it. As in, if I DO like it, surely it will be cancelled. :)

This has prompted me to make a list of the shows I watch(ed)….dun dun dun!

  • My 2 favorite shows of all time without a shadow of a doubt are Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel. I am not ashamed to say that back in the day when DVD’s were still the “it” thing and tv shows weren’t readily available at the touch of a button, I bought all 7 seasons of Buffy and all 5 seasons of Angel. They have seen their fare share of wear & tear as I’ve probably watched both entire series at least 7 times. And my daughter (as obsessed with them both as I am) is still to this day streaming them over & over in our house.
  • Shows I watch on a weekly basis: Bates Motel, Orphan Black, Lost Girl, Teen Wolf, the Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, pretty much all of the CW (Reign, Vamp Diaries, Originals, Starcrossed & the 100), Once Upon A Time, Resurrection, New Girl, Suits, Grimm, Hannibal, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, White Collar, American Horror Story, Twisted, Longmire, Believe, The Fosters, Under the Dome, Sleepy Hollow, Rookie Blue, Witches of East End, Mistresses, Graceland, The Returned (french), Supernatural, Greys Anatomy, Drop Dead Diva, Castle, Nurse Jackie, Haven, Unforgettable (was about to add this to my ‘wish there were more’ list but I just found out this was renewed!!!)
  • Oldies but goodies : One Tree Hill, Charmed, Veronica Mars, Fringe, LOST, Heroes, Smallville, Gilmore Girls, Rome, the Tudors, Desperate Housewives, CSI: Miami, Weeds, Will & Grace, Ghost Whisperer, Private Practice, Brothers & Sisters, Wildfire
  • The ONLY kids show I will watch is Lab Rats on Nickelodeon. I’m sorry, but it is just friggin’ hilarious.
  • LOVED at first, but getting stale: CSI: Vegas (was obsessed with until Gil left, then it just went to shit), Justified, Bones, Pretty Little Liars, Being Human (US), Hart of Dixie, Beauty & the Beast (newer version), Covert Affairs, Rizzoli & Isles (after the tragic suicide of Lee Thompson Young I just don’t have the heart to watch it)
  • Like, but can still live without: Once Upon A Time in Wonderland, Revolution, True Detective, Elementary, Defiance, Dracula
  • Two of the shows I wished like hell they’d bring back are Lie to Me and Flashpoint,  and then there’s not ever knowing the full stories on Kyle XY, The Lying Game, or Hidden Palms. I mean, they didn’t even remotely tie up ANY of the story on the latter three… they left you with full blown cliffhangers.
  • Wish there were more: The Fades, Merlin, Camelot, Orange is the New Black, In Plain Sight, Prime Suspect (US)
  • Best Cartoons: Futurama, South Park, Aeon Flux, King of the Hill
  • Want to watch, but haven’t had the chance: Bitten, The Following, Person of Interest, The Tomorrow People, Hawaii Five-O, Downton Abbey, Parenthood, Dr. Who, Falling Skies, Mad Men, DaVincis Demons, Homeland, Warehouse 13, Blue Bloods, Sherlock, The O.C., Royal Pains, The Mentalist, Perception, House MD, Primeval, Sanctuary
  • Meh. Couldn’t get into: Dexter, Psych, Chuck, Parks & Recreation, Burn Notice, Numbers, CSI: NY, Law & Order, Criminal Minds, 24, Eureka

I know, its an awfully long list. But I watch a lot of TV. The sad thing is, there are probably a shitload more of shows I  didn’t ad or just can’t think of right now, lol. You don’t even want to get me started on movies….


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